Have you ever asked yourself that question? Do you even think about it? Do you need to think about, is it a given for you that you have self worth?
I ask because it’s a question I battle with everyday. And I honestly don’t know the answer. I’m not being facetious or seeking reassurance of my worth or my value. I’ve had enough therapy recently to realise that my self worth is down to me. Looking for affirmation from others doesn’t work. And isn’t fair either.
It’s not false, it’s not fake and it’s not a pretence. I don’t know my worth.
It goes back to childhood. The root of who we are and who we will become. Mine contained unpredictability and fear enough times to make me doubt everything, especially myself.
And I fought against it. I really did. But deep down inside I always worried I’d be ‘found out’. That I’m not good enough. That I don’t work in the same way as others do, that I don’t fit into the wider world.
It’s true. It’s how I’ve felt all of my life. I’ve been reasonably good at faking it, faking my belonging. But it’s always felt like a lie. And eventually it caught up with me. I realised I didn’t want my children to ever feel like that. But it hurt that I did. And I do.
I’m trying my best to fight back. I’m trying to work it out. Believe me, this is not my choice to be this way. And that’s hard too, because I feel guilty for not being able to just get on with it. Unless you’ve been there, you might not ‘get it’ and in a way I hope you don’t. Because it is so hard. I have no words for how hard it is. But I’ve got to keep fighting. I don’t see any other way, the alternative is not being. I need to find the strength not to seek that one out.