I haven’t written here for a while. In fact I’ve decided I will only be using this space for me and my family from now on. No more ‘blogging’ in the vaguely professional sense. My heart and soul need to be somewhere else. Where that somewhere else might be, I’ll let you know when (if ever) I find it……
I’m proud of myself for what I’ve achieved this summer. I have re-connected with my cousin. I have been on holiday with my family and felt as relaxed as I’ve done for a VERY LONG time. For someone who is ill with depression and anxiety, I think this is pretty awesome. I’ve been responsible, I’ve looked after myself the best I can.
I’m making plans for the future. I’m hoping to be well enough to travel on my own out to Vancouver to visit my cousin next year. Just for a week, but it would mark a massive achievement if I can make it happen. At the moment, it’s small steps. But It’s good to have something to work towards that is for me, not mummy, not wife, but me. I don’t know if I’ve ever done something purely for myself for such a long time now. It feels incredibly scry and daunting. But also exciting. I love my cousin and I want to meet her children and get to know them. My cousin came all the way from Vancouver to check I was OK. No one has ever done anything like that for me ever. It’s the best gift I have ever received. She has given me hope.
However, I’m struggling a bit right now if I’m honest. I can feel depression biting. It’s such a physical experience for me as much as anything. My head literally feels like its being pressed. I can’t take loud noise, I’m jittery and cannot rest. I found myself pacing the kitchen earlier, which is why I made myself sit down at the computer and write it out now. I know these are not good signs. I am seeing my therapist soon and maybe I have been holding things in for as long as I can and knowing my appointment is on the horizon is letting it all seep slowly out. Who knows.
Something unfortunate happened whilst we were away and it has triggered some stonkingly bad anxiety. On the plus side it has at least helped me to acknowledge and accept that I do have anxiety. It is very specific anxiety related to being harmed, hurt or killed. For all you healthy minds out there this will sound ridiculous and you’re possibly right. All I can say is, it comes from direct experience many years ago.
Loneliness is horrendous when depression hits. I am feeling very lonely right now. I will miss the children when they go back. I will miss being able to hold them when I need to feel physical contact and reassurance that it isn’t all black. Writing this has made me cry. I guess that’s a good thing, although for someone who hasn’t cried in years I seem to be making up for it big time now. I think that’s the signal to finish writing here.
I’m still painting. Thank goodness for art. I’ll leave you with a recent painting. I hope whoever reads this, you are well and happy x