That is the question. Whether it’s nobler in the mind to suffer ones thoughts or battle them in public. With huge apologies to Shakespeare, this is where I’m currently ‘at’ thought wise.
I watch the parent blogging community and feel I’m an observer, no longer a participant. The connection that once felt strong seems to have been cut. I see some lovely people flying high on their blogging wings. Their success is wonderful. Maybe I’m envious of that….maybe it’s just time to make changes.
I don’t know where I fit. I know where I’d like to fit, I think. It’s scary. So I could play a game and fake it. But I’m increasingly feeling a distinct lack of enthusiasm for that idea. If I’m ‘real’, will that make a difference? This is me being real. Writing purely for myself. My therapy. My sounding board. No stats, no sponsored posts, no reviews, no recommendations. Just me, my struggle, my family. Simple, straight forward and complicated in equal measure.
My cousin came a very long way to see me recently. She admitted it was to check I was OK. It took her 36 hours traveling time. No one has ever done that for me. I am slightly embarrassed that she did it, but I’m also thrilled. After over 20 years of texting and messaging, we have such a strong connection. Face to face is even better though. She is my inspiration and encouragement that things might change. She told me I’m definitely not a wall flower! So somehow I need to find a way of finding that part of me in the every day. Maybe it will be on here. But then again maybe it won’t. Maybe I’m just starting to discover who I really am and I just need a break from everything I’ve done before. Before was about survival.
Now I want to live. My life.