My abuser lived in my own home. I should have trusted him unconditionally to love and protect me. He should have been my guide through the pathway of youth.
Instead he taught me fear, insecurity, self loathing. He taught me lack of self worth, lack of self belief. He showed me how powerless I could be in the face of towering rage. He hurt me in so many ways other than the physical.
And the pain was minimised by others. The reality was buried. That was a culpable act of terror in its own way.
I do not trust people. I have high levels of shame. I am terrified a lot of the time. I know what people can capable of. I have flashbacks. My brain is easily overwhelmed. I have been bullied and therefore repeatedly suffered the experience of helplessness and fear that I knew as a child.
I am hurting so very much. But I am accepting that none of this is my responsibility. My responsibility lies in the here and now, with how I choose to live. And I do want to live. I need to mourn all the lost opportunities of the past, but I also need to focus on the present. The future is too vague and scary. Everyday I need to focus on the moment. It’s the only way to survive.
I can’t bring myself to have hopes and dreams yet. I’ve never ever had any. What I have had is thoughts of death and dying. Maybe one day I’ll feel those normal emotions. Maybe one day I’ll feel less like I’m going through the motions of life and actually live. I hope so.
In the meantime I want to heal. I want the frightened little girl inside to know she is safe, I can look after her. She is loved. She is deserving of love without limits.
Accepting that I have been horrendously hurt, allowing that pain in, is the first important step. I am beginning to let it in. My story has more to come……