Another stumble

Yesterday I stumbled. I didn’t quite fall, but it was a close run thing. Sometimes things set off fireworks in my mind and I don’t know why, when or where they originate from. But they are there. This is something I am learning to understand and discovering how I am going to live with more successfully than I have previously.

I know the deep rooted origins of course, now that I’m beginning to accept that I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of significant and repeated trauma which began in childhood. It is an illness not of my making, asking, inviting or creating. It is an illness resulting from actions of others that I was powerless to control.

It can leave me feeling helpless even now. It can quite literally take my breath away and I’m fighting for air. Last weekend something tripped in my mind. I don’t know what it was but I’m learning to understand that it doesn’t matter. What matters is the present moment and how I deal with that. Only I didn’t. Deal with it. Yesterday I knew ‘something’ was building but I kept pushing through it. And I broke.

I left the house. I didn’t even close the door properly, I just left. I walked so fast that my crying turned to retching. I thought maybe the world would be better off without me. I couldn’t control my emotions, and I almost lost control. I am no good. I had nothing on me other than a coat. I had the presence to wear a coat at least.

While I sat, a dog came over to say hello. And although the owner (quite understandably) gave me a wide berth, the dog couldn’t help but bring me round a little. Enough to say hello. Enough to get me to move off the bench and walk. I interacted with another living thing. One without judgement.

Eventually I made myself walk back home. I came back. I hope I can keep coming back because this battle is hard. It is lonely. It is isolating.

Thank god I made the decision to have a semi-colon tattoo on my wrist. To remind me of the strength I have already shown and the strength I will continue to need to move forward. It lies there in black for me to see and remind me to hold on tight. I can be better than this. I can.