Really, I don’t have a clue what to do. Apparently I should be focussing on the processes that will help me help myself. Yes, all good theories. Everything always sounds wonderful in theory, the practice not so much. What happens when the processes are the only time you have that’s ‘free’ from thought? I can see why resorting to other escape mechanisms is so attractive. Anything to stop the thinking. The mind whirring around and around and never stopping, not for a moment. Relentless.
My processes are reading and drawing-innocent enough activities but they’re not enough. I stop the endless rumination while I’m doing them, but the thoughts pounce immediately I’m back in the ‘real’ world. There’s no off switch with the mind, no pause for breath. And who wants to hear about this? No one. It sullies a day. Imagine how it feels knowing that sharing your experiences are the one thing guaranteed to bring greyness to an otherwise sun filled day. I can tell you, it’s a fairly crap feeling actually.
I’m tempted to stop talking full stop. I can’t stop thinking but I can control my mouth and my fingers (texting, blogging, emailing etc.) I can keep quiet. It may well be for the best. I have a wonderful counsellor but once every other week simply isn’t enough sometimes. There’s no money for private treatment and besides I trust her. It’s taken me over a year to get to a point where I can say that and believe it. So, who do I talk to? Answer: my self. The next set of sessions are drawing to a close and I’ll have to wait another 3 months before requesting help again. And even then, it will be another period before I’ll actually get a session, which will only be an assessment session before another wait for the actual counselling proper to begin again. I’m not sure I have the energy for all of that.
If you’ve read this and stuck with me, my apologies. I might just be having a ‘toys out of the pram’ moment. It might be something more fundamental, who knows. No doubt it hasn’t been cheery reading, that’s for sure. I’d advise popping over to another blog for some metaphorical sunshine. Don’t stay here, there might be more of this to come. But then again there might be nothing at all.