Breaking taboo’s

I wrote a post yesterday and then deleted it. The reason I deleted it was because I mentioned something that is rarely talked about and extremely difficult to admit to. Please be aware if you continue reading, it’s upsetting.

But I’ve just watched a TED talk about depression and in it there was a sentence that encouraged me to put something on here that is incredibly hard to say. 

Research shows that talking about suicidal thoughts can help reduce the likelihood of those being turned into a reality.

It’s such a difficult topic to speak about and to listen to. But by covering it up, pretending those thoughts aren’t there and denying them, even to yourself, feeds them somehow.

It’s such a dark and frightening place to find yourself in. To think about what it would be like to step in front of a truck or to search the Internet for ways to end things.

I am ashamed that I’ve done that, and more. But if I don’t talk about it I worry that one day I might just act on the desperation.

It’s not a cry for help. It’s not selfish. Although I realise it can seem that way. Sometimes the thoughts and the pressure inside just feel impossible. And so hard to talk about. 

But if you talk, you remove some of the stigma. You make it less evil I suppose. I’m not comfortable writing this. But I don’t want depression to win. Even though right now it’s trying its best.

I’m not brave. I’m not courageous. I know I will be judged badly. I know some will recoil at this post. But I’m trying to fix myself. And being open in the best way I can by writing on here is one way to try.

Please forgive me. I’m not sure I can forgive myself right now.