And I think it’s my fault that I’m struggling. I try so hard to push myself to do things, to challenge myself and in the process to try and move forward. I’m just not sure I’m strong enough to win.
So much of what I battle with is inside my head. I’m an ugly duckling, paddling furiously under the surface just to keep going. What you see on the outside is subdued silence, the voices that rage are kept well out of sight.
And it’s horrible. I want to shave my hair off. I do realise that I want to do it for the ‘wrong’ reasons. I want it to look severe because that is basically how I feel. But it’s something tangible I can control. Something physically I can change. Everything else is so intangible and out of reach. I want some control back.
I know it won’t fix anything. I’m just scrabbling around in the dark trying to look for the light. I’m grateful that I rarely have more than an hour or so of feeling unable to function. That’s the great thing about having kids-you can’t let them down. I can’t let them down. I work very hard to make sure they have the best of me.
The best of me however doesn’t feel all that impressive. I am grateful for my children. I’m grateful for my friends. But I feel so sad. Every day.
And anxiety hits out at me whenever it feels like it. I can’t see a pattern. It just comes. Like the nightmares. They come too. Thank goodness they’re not every night. Because they are truly terrifying.
So if I’m not scared of being killed or being hurt when I’m out, I’m scared of being killed or being hurt when I’m at home too. It’s tiring and hard work to argue the fear away. To rationalise and be healthy in my thinking.
Now I need to pull myself together, so I’m making my good list:
I’m still here
My kids think I’m awesome
I can enjoy the company of friends
I can meditate
I can plan for things
I can look forward to things
I can escape into my art
I can appreciate a beautiful flower, a beautiful smell, a beautiful tree or a beautiful view
I can be strong
I can find strength inside me
Right, I need to try and take this ‘can’ stuff with me into the rest of the day. Thanks for sticking with me.
I hated this painting when I started it, but I stuck with it. It looks OK now. A metaphor worth remembering.