When nothing makes sense

If you don’t suffer with anxiety this post is going to sound distinctly odd. To be honest it doesn’t sound great to me in my head but if I don’t get it out, I can feel a big downward slide coming. That’s if it isn’t already happening.

My anxiety comes on out of the blue often. At the worst of my depression it was pretty constant so not to much out of the blue as irrational.

As things have eventually started to seem less frightening, anxiety can still come and bite me. Like now. It feeds into all the other things I have going on inside me-fear, lack of confidence, lack of trust, self loathing, lack of hope.

I went to the dentist. I hate the dentist. I hate having people near my mouth. But I went despite that. I look after my teeth. I do all the things I’m supposed to do. I’m practising cheap cipro self care. I find that hard too but I do it.

And yet, apparently it’s not enough. My teeth still need a deep clean. This means two 40 minute sessions under anaesthetic. And it’ll cost me £112. And I’m struggling to deal with it. I’ve made the first appointment, it’s not for a couple of weeks. 

But I’m a wreck. And I feel like giving up. If I can’t even manage to control my feelings over this, how am I going to manage with my whole life? I desperately wanted a break, some stupid kind of sign that I’m doing OK and encouragement that I can do this. But right now I feel like life is sticking it’s fingers up and laughing at my ridiculous attempts to be normal.

This is the reality of my mind. This is what it’s like some days. It’s not great. And I feel like an idiot.