Things are good. That shouldn’t be such a difficult thing to say, should it? I can say without any caveat or hesitation that I long to be able to get to a point where I can say that ‘things are good’.
I don’t mean that everything will be wonderful and perfect. I simply mean being able to look at the whole picture and see the good outweighing the niggles, even the bigger ones.
I’m not a negative person by nature but I have found dealing with anything ‘good’ that happens to me unbelievably difficult to manage. I can’t begin to describe how complicated and conflicting that feels.
The feelings that emerge when something good happens become overwhelming. They are harder to deal with than the familiar emotions of unworthiness that have been a habitual companion throughout my life.
I don’t know how to handle good things about myself. It’s so hard. Yesterday I achieved something-I went to the hygienist and was told that under the circumstances I was brilliant. I am proud of myself for that. Considering the experiences I have had which make the whole circumstances horrendous for me, I coped well.
And then a friend dropped round such a thoughtful gift. It was lovely. And it was such a nice feeling. To know someone thought about you. Really such a lovely feeling.
And I went to bed and felt good. I had a nice dream. This is huge as recently my dreams have been far from nice.
But what happened after I’d woken this morning-I could feel the enormity of my emotions stirring up inside simply because yesterday was good for me. And I don’t know how to manage those emotions.
I can feel the familiar ‘bully’ trying its best to kick in because that’s what I’m used to hearing. I don’t want it to have a voice. I’m trying to tell it to shut up. But it’s hard and also incredibly sad that feeling good about myself should be such a challenge.
I’m going to try to keep the bully silent by making myself a cup of tea with my lovely gift. Then I might sit in the sunshine to drink it followed by more painting. And I think some meditation is also needed. I am trying my best to stay strong.