Inside my head there are two voices. One telling me I’m not important to anyone other than my children. I’m too much like hard work to be around which is why people don’t want to be in my company very often. People shouldn’t be trusted because they can hurt you so I don’t offer much in the way of fulfilling relationships with anyone. I don’t give enough of the right kind of relationship/friendship ‘thing’.
And I kind of agree with this voice. It’s persuasive, persistent and I can see where it’s coming from. There’s so much sh*t (apologies but that’s what it feels like) inside me that I can’t bear it, so why on earth would anyone else want to bear it with me.
That voice can win in my thought process at any given moment. It’s got a lot of history behind it to prove its point. It’s hard to ignore.
The other voice tells a kinder story. It says that you don’t need other people to reassure you that you’re a decent human being. You don’t need affirmation from others. You are a decent and worthy human being. You just are. You aren’t alone either, sometimes you just find it difficult to see that. You are of value. You don’t deserve to be treated badly. You don’t deserve to treat yourself badly. You have a lot to offer, if you could just let yourself see that.
But that voice is quiet and lacks confidence in itself. It’s not sure it speaks the truth. Because it hears this:
“How can you be of value if your life has been invaded with such anger and violence that you cannot bear to think of it. You must have deserved it somehow.”
Right now I’m still struggling with the answer to that question and therefore give the kinder voice a confident response with which to reply.
Often, when I’m at my most self deprecating is when I’m hurting the most and trying to protect myself. Usually when I say not to worry to someone I kind of mean ‘do worry, do ask if I’m really OK with that’. When I apologise for being me, know that sadly I mean it. Please know that I’m trying to change but many times I doubt I can do it.
And there we come back to the voice that tells me not to bother because I’m not worth bothering with-complicated, needy, confusing. Yuk. That’s what it says.
I’m trying to hear just the one voice, the kind voice. But I do need help to find it. And when the therapy stops, I worry about how I’ll find it because I don’t know who else to ask for help.